As I've grown older, it's not uncommon for me to ponder my existence as several lives wrapped into one. If I really think about it, I would say I've had 6 lifetimes in this one, and do anticipate having a few more before my time here is complete. Though this is the case, there is only one of those lives that appears, and reappears, over and over throughout all of those lives, and it's probably no secret at this point that person is the one of my childhood.
Now, this person is not completely the child that I was, especially the parts of me that did some really stupid and immature things at that age. It's very possible this person I envision is a fragment of that actual human, who saw the world in a way I try daily to see it today...but often I fall flat. Yes, it's true that even though I've reconnected with this inner child, I still have to do my grown-up stuff, which can throw the balance off a little. I will confess that I'll never see the world in quite the same way as I did as a child...but it's usually top of mind as I try. Occasionally, when I am able to connect with him when I find glimpses into wonder and awe, a particular photo of myself at a younger age appears in my mind...and that photo helps me capture, more frequently, that child's perspective.
I'm sure I've mentioned many times in various writings and ramblings that the Universe, when I'm open to the messages, can nudge little reminders my way throughout each day. This is just one of the moments in life that proves to me there is magic in the world, and these little nudges can come to us in all different ways. The most recent reminder came in a podcast I've come to really enjoy.
The show is called Desert Island Disks and I'd suggest clicking through if you are curious about its content. Be warned that it's quite the rabbit hole to follow, so not to stray too far from our objective here, I've given a brief synopsis of it at the end of this blog. For now, I will mention that I was recently listening to an episode of this show featuring actor, Brian Cox. A great actor who you most likely have seen in many different movies over the years. Films like Braveheart, Adaptation, and most recently the TV show, Succession. During this episode, Brian mentioned something that brought this image of my inner child front and center, as he explained a little something he teaches students in his acting class:
"Always carry a picture of yourself as a child because that’s who you are"
This statement made me pause the show as I was driving to work, and actually pull over so I could play it again. Then I entered a reminder into my phone to ask my mother for that particular photo prominently featured above.
This was the image I thought of as I wrote most of my first book. It's the image I thought of when I have moments in nature that make me feel the freedom I once held as a child. It's the image that I envision when losing myself in the daily setting of the sun. Or the enchantement of the moon. Or when watching a couple of hawks circle overhead riding the wind, knowing there is a possibility they are doing it for fun.
I was exceptionally present the day that photo was taken. I remember how warm it was on that summer day. I remember meeting the horse before getting on, and how it felt to eventually get on such a majestic animal. I remember how comfortable I felt moseying down the trail, feeling like a little cowboy. And the exhilaration when we were allowed to let the horse trot a bit. I don't remember fear, I don't remember hesitation. All I remember was that I was in a state of complete awe, that I obviously still hold very close to my heart.
Now, the funny thing to me is that although I thought of this photo so many times over the years, I didn't have a copy of it. I didn't have it on my phone or in my archives of photos. I had to ask my mother about it and it eventually surfaced. Once I saw it again in a physical form, it seemed slightly different from my memory. There was something more.
Something was beyond that toothy grin. Beyond that outstanding head of hair, and that casual posture. I'll be damned if I could put a finger on what that difference was, but I think there was something within the eyes. Or better yet, behind the eyes. Or beyond the eyes. Something deep inside of him that held onto the person I am now, and every other person I've been between this day and that. Yeah, I think it's very possible that I got a glimpse of many lives lived, and the multitude of stories attached to each one. All wrapped up in a powerful memory created on a warm, summer day that somehow feels like it could have been yesterday.
Now, I think it's important to point out that I don't wish I was that little boy again. I don't want to go back and start over. Seriously, who in their right mind would want to go through puberty again? What I do want, what I do strive for as much as possible, is to keep the connection with that joyful young man and pair him up with the adult I am today. To combine the wisdom I've gathered over the years with the curiousity, blind faith, and fearless adventure of my younger self. The one who believed there was magic in each day. And since the Universe keeps nudging appropriate clues my way, there's no doubt in my mind that the Universe wants this, too.
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Rabbit Hole Suggestion: Desert Island Disks is a radio show that has been on the BBC since the 1940s. Each week a new guest is "casted away" to a desert island and can only bring 8 songs with them. Throughout the episode you learn about each guest as well as why they've picked their songs. I'm completely obsessed with it.